why i protect my heart: lessons learned from dating and friendships ⋆˙⟡♡⟡⋆˙
Hi everyone! Today I’m here to talk about attachment styles. I covered this a little bit in my first heartbreak video at the end, mentioning that there were four attachment styles: secure, dismissive avoidant, fearful avoidant, and anxious. I quickly went over my experience as being a dismissive avoidant. I’d love to discuss it a little more from my perspective as it affects all the connections in my life. Avoidant attachment styles are often misunderstood, and sometimes they can lead to complications in relationships. I’m going to be super vulnerable and painfully honest here, just to advocate for those who are like me.
First, I’m going to break down the psychology of this - through what’s known as the "Strange Situation" study, conducted by psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s. Ainsworth's work built on John Bowlby's attachment theory, which discovered that children have an innate need to form a close emotional bond with a primary caregiver. Based on how the child was raised in childhood, they could be placed in four categories based on how they reacted when they were separated from their caregiver.
Secure Attachment: These children showed distress when their caregiver left but were quickly comforted upon their return. They felt safe to explore the room and play with toys when the caregiver was present, indicating a sense of security.
Avoidant Attachment: These children showed little to no distress when the caregiver left and avoided or ignored the caregiver upon their return. They did not seek much comfort or contact and seemed indifferent to the caregiver's presence or absence. This style indicated that the child might have learned to suppress their emotions due to previous experiences of rejection or lack of responsiveness from the caregiver.
Ambivalent (Anxious) Attachment: These children were very distressed when the caregiver left and were not easily comforted upon their return. They often showed ambivalence by seeking closeness but simultaneously resisting contact, sometimes displaying anger. This style suggested that the caregiver's behavior had been inconsistent.
Later research identified a fourth category:
Disorganized Attachment: These children displayed confused, contradictory behaviors, such as approaching the caregiver but with their head turned away. This style often occurs in situations of abuse, neglect, or trauma.
Children with avoidant attachment tend to grow up believing they cannot rely on others for emotional support. This can result in:
Difficulty forming close relationships.
Emotional distance in relationships.
A tendency to suppress or hide feelings.
Avoidance of closeness and intimacy.
Understanding these attachment styles has helped psychologists and researchers understand the development of personality and interpersonal relationships throughout a person's life.
Now, I’m taking off my scientist hat, LOL.
I really relate to those four points. If you’ve read my first blog post, you know I’ve experienced severe and complex trauma with my parents. Being taught that showing emotion was a weakness and that being invested in something could lead to its downfall has made it hard for me to trust others. Growing up without emotional safety from those who were supposed to protect me has understandably made it difficult to trust someone new.
When I date, trusting a guy is challenging. I wonder if he’s interested in me for what I can offer physically or if he genuinely wants to build something meaningful with me. Some of what I’m about to say might scare off potential partners, but honestly, I’m okay with that. I am who I am, and I respond based on my experiences and instincts, which are usually accurate. There’s often a deeper reason why I feel uneasy with someone.
After every date, I typically delete the guy’s number and our conversations if it’s his turn to reach out for the next date. It feels like I’m “chasing” him if I ask for two dates in a row, which goes against my pride. It might seem strange, but why would I overexert myself to show interest? From my experience, that approach rarely ends well. I prefer meaningful interactions and find daily check-in texts unnecessary. Direct conversations in person work better for me. While I would love my boyfriend to text me anytime, I don’t want that from someone I’m just dating.
This summer, a guy I was seeing asked me to text him an inspirational quote every day. I panicked internally. I wasn’t comfortable with that frequency of contact and felt it was one-sided. Why should I be the one always reaching out? He hadn’t shown signs of wanting commitment, so I felt he didn’t deserve that level of attention. To be polite, I agreed and sent quotes for two days, then stopped. Feeling conflicted, I created a shared Google Photos album to post the quotes, hoping he wouldn’t get notified each time. When I realized Google Photos does send notifications, I stopped using it. This might sound odd, but it’s how I navigated the situation while trying to maintain politeness without overextending myself.
Ironically, I love social media. I post frequently and don’t worry about it because it’s not directed at anyone in particular. It’s for everyone, which removes the emotional weight of direct communication.
The way that specific connection ended this summer highlighted our differing emotional needs and expectations. It reinforced my need for a strong sense of commitment before fully investing emotionally, which aligns with my avoidant tendencies. By not giving much emotionally, I protect myself from potential heartbreak.
Which then again, reinforces the avoidance, because by not giving much mentally or emotionally, I never lose.
I set clear boundaries around physical intimacy because I need to feel a strong sense of commitment and emotional security before moving forward in that way. My vulnerability is important, and I don’t want to give it away to someone who might view me as just another conquest. Seeing friends hurt by similar experiences has reinforced this boundary for me.
In the past, I’ve struggled with expressing my feelings and future intentions directly. I’m working on being more open about what I want in a relationship. I make it clear from the start that I’m looking for something long-term. I usually check in about commitment once or twice, but I’m aware that this might be interpreted as just wanting a boyfriend rather than a specific connection.
It’s crucial for me to remain open to various possibilities, which sometimes means not focusing too intensely on any one person until there’s mutual commitment. While I typically date one person at a time, I understand that everyone is replaceable. If a guy doesn’t want me, I don’t want him. My heart isn’t fully invested until he shows a desire to commit, so I always keep one foot out the door, ready to move on if necessary. This approach has saved me time, heartache, and emotional strain.
I believe my future partner will need to have a secure attachment style to complement mine. This way, I won’t have to worry about whether he likes me enough, as he would express that openly but not excessively. I’ve only dated one truly secure man, back in Pittsburgh, and I’ve encountered many who were anxious or anxious-avoidant, which I won’t repeat. I’d avoid another avoidant or avoidant-anxious partner because it leads nowhere… there needs to be someone in the relationship who is comfortable showing affection, which helps me feel safe and open up in return.
Finding such a person might take time, but that’s part of the dating process. Every experience brings me closer to finding the right match.
As I mentioned in a podcast episode, I’m not interested in “fixing” my attachment style. I attempted to become secure this past summer, but it didn’t work. I’m comfortable with who I am, and it has protected me from heartbreak since my first real connection/dating experience way back in August 2023.
Friendships are different for me. I openly show how much I care and would take a bullet for my close friends. I don’t have many true friends, and it takes a long time to earn that title. However, if I feel boundaries have been crossed or there’s a lack of mutual respect, I will absolutely distance myself to protect my well-being. Most of the time this is permanent, and I always carefully consider the pros and cons before cutting contact. If the cons outweigh the pros, I’m out. Often, those who are cut off will use various methods to reach me, like getting mutual friends to contact me, which only leads to their removal as well.
I’ve become adept at recognizing narcissistic traits based on past experiences. When I sense these traits, I run. This response is a result of living with and dealing with full-fledged narcissists for over two decades.
In the end, I’m not afraid to lose anyone in life, because I came into this world alone. I’m leaving alone, too. So, I act accordingly. Of course, I would love connection, but I will never settle for anything that causes me to feel insecure or discomfort.
Reflecting on my experiences and understanding my attachment style has been a valuable journey, helping me to recognize patterns and areas where I can grow. It’s clear that I have a strong tendency to protect myself emotionally, often by keeping a distance until I feel secure. While this has helped me navigate relationships and avoid unnecessary heartache, I also recognize that it can sometimes prevent deeper connections and mutual growth.
I’m committed to balancing caution with openness, embracing vulnerability without compromising my self-respect. By integrating these insights, I hope to build healthier, more fulfilling connections where both parties feel valued and understood, while remaining cautious, as I always have.
Moving forward, I aim to continue growing and applying what I’ve learned to build relationships that are fulfilling and mutually supportive. Embracing this journey with an open heart and a thoughtful approach, I’m excited about the possibilities ahead.
✧˚ ༘ ⋆｡♡˚
Here are some songs, I listened to while writing this ;) Don’t let anyoneee play with your emotions, just thug it out through music!
